BLaCk*WiDoW's Journal

Tuesday, January 3, 2006

3:03PM - What the fucks a New Year anyway?

January, A time for new beginnings and fresh starts. A time to mend old wounds and break bad habits. A time to reinvent a new way of thinking in order to accomplish peace of mind. A time to pursue greater spirituality and greater things!

This year started a little worse off than I would have liked, but all in all that will not bring my ambitions down. I will pull through ANY rut, and accomplish the things I have strived so hard to overcome! I will NOT let anything falter my plans. There will be no STOPPING me this time!


And off I go on day 3 of my mission to better self development!


Cheers!
Jennifer Carriere

Current mood: contemplative
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Thursday, September 22, 2005

8:37AM

At work awaiting UPS to get here with my shipment. About to go re-merchandise the women's Billabong and Lost sections so I can fit our new prods. I hate retail stores that have no POG's they are so incredibly un-organized. 1 more day before the weekend, probably going to H20 tonight at Club Cinema. Should be entertaining haven't seen them in like 5 years! Then tomorrow going to see Mindless...so excited! Yea so nothing very new as of yet just working and being anti-social! On a mission of self enlightenment, hope it all works out. I seem to have been having the worst luck ever lately, so I need some new tactics to calm my nerves and give me a better outlook on life in general. I think Karma has a strange way of paying people back for their fuck ups. She waits till your finally getting your life together and have some kind of hope and then she kicks you in the face for everything you have ever done wrong. Whatever fuck a bitch named Karma, she dont phase me! At least I will vouch for my wrongs and take what's coming to me rather than complaining about it all. BROWNIE points for me I think! ANyway back to work...



If everything in life came in a package, we would all suffocate!
This bag is not a toy!


Late.

Current mood: calm
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Monday, September 12, 2005

6:11PM

I am officially at the point of deleriousness. I didn't think I could burn out, but I presume I was wrong. I need to sleep.


Plan for tonight, finish working, go home, hot bath and a cold beer, some late night shows, my cats, my pillow and stuffed animal, then sleep. Then Adam comes home, sex, then back to sleep! I win.



falalalala....god my heads going crazy! Works gonna be long and stressful tomorrow!




G-night kids!
HOLLA at your fucking girl will you!

Current mood: exhausted
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Wednesday, September 7, 2005

9:37AM - Sleep deprivation and lack of sex makes Jenn an ominous gal!

THE HUMILIATION FROM 10,000 EYES,
THE FEVERISH CHILL THAT SLIPS DOWN YOUR SPINE.
DROPLETS OF SWEAT CARESSING YOUR CHEEK,
YOUR KNEES ARE SHAKING AND YOUR BODY FEELS WEAK.
THE DRY TASTE THATS FALLEN UPON YOUR TOUNGE,
TO THE FEELING YOU ONCE HAD WHEN YOU WERE SO YOUNG.
THE HIDE UNDER THE BLANKETS AND IT WILL ALL GO AWAY,
TO FREEZING UP TENSE AS THOUGH IT WAS YOUR JUDGEMENT DAY.
HEAVY BREATHS THAT QUICKEN,
EYES WIDE AND STRICKEN.
YOUR TIME IS COMING,
WITH THIS FEAR THERE IS NO NUMBING.
YOUR BLOODS RUNNING WARM AND YOUR PULSE IT SPEEDS,
ALL THAT WHITE KNUCKLE TENSION FILLS MY NEED.
SIT UPON YOUR CHILDISH THRONE,
WERE NIGHTMARES ARE JUST DREAMS,
BUT WHEN YOU HAVE NIGHTMARES HERE THEY BECOME YOUR HOME!


END.

Current mood: crazy
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Wednesday, August 31, 2005

6:23PM

Why do you insist on making me so miserable?
Did I do something that I am unaware of to deserve what you have been doing to me?
LIFE SUCKS!










Take the sheet from my eyes, stop with all these games!









Need sleep!





END.

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Sunday, August 28, 2005

3:06PM

Damn what a weekend!



Thursday = Hurricane party at club Adam and Jen(N)'s Lotsa drinking games and we got to keep our power!
Friday = Party at club Jamie's lotsa beer and lesbians! Got pulled over for girls dancing and making out on our car in the 24 hour Mc D's line!
Saturday = Wings and beer then off to Club Lezlie's for A kegger!
Sunday = Work till 7 then off to see 6 Feet Under, All That Remains, 3 Pints of Blood, and Chimaira!

What a last hoo ra before starting my 16 hour a day work week! I couldn't be anymore content than a pig in shit, cept i'm very very hung over!!! I need to invest in that chaser pill from now on!

Well back to work ladies n gents I won't be on here much cause of my hectic schedule and I am currently cut off from internet access at work so kit kids I miss my peops fucking holla at your girl! 954-822-4335


END.

Current mood: indescribable
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Wednesday, August 24, 2005

7:44PM

My heart bleeds for you all!!!!!





....END

Current mood: anxious
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Tuesday, August 16, 2005

5:58PM

I got hired!




Although everything else sucks! Can something look up for once PLEASE!?

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Monday, August 15, 2005

4:24PM

Packing up the rest of our shit! Moving this weekend. Have to find a cheap storage unit!


Tired, frustrated, and horny, what an awful way to start the week!


My friend Christine her sister and 3 of their friends came down from New York this weekend and Me, Adam, my sister, her girlfriend Jesse, and them went and partied. Friday night we went to the hotel and then went bowling, got crunk. Saturday morning we all went to John U Lloyd Park at Dania Beach and BBQ'd it was tight!~ I'm finally getting some color, (more burnt than tan) but better than nothing! Sunday packed up some stuff watched a couple flicks and made dinner and crashed. All in all a fairly productive weekend!


Anyway back to work!


END.

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Friday, August 12, 2005

7:32PM - New PHONE!!!!

OKay I finally got a new phone since Patty and Jon threw me in a pool with my other one, so I no longer have anyones number's! So if you want me to call you give me your number via comment on here or on myspace and i'll holla or call me!

954-822-4335


Otherwise I won't be calling you cause I won't have your #!


CHOI!

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Wednesday, August 10, 2005

4:48PM

There are just some moments where I just wish I didn't care so much about certain things. I wish I could just pretend everything is okay and everything will work out. That no matter what happens it will all be perfect once again. I wish I didn't over analyze things. I wish I could trust again. I wish this pain was all a dream. I wish I was just one of those stupid girls that always smiled cause they weren't smart enough to realize anything bad was happening!

I wish I could make these tears stop. I wish I could just grab you and kiss you and make all of this go away, but I can't cause I caused it, and you have every right to be mad at me. I thought too much, I swore there was some alterior motive. WHEN the fuck did I become the jealous and insecure type!


Can we fix this?
I want to fix this?
HOW can I fix this?


I WILL fix this!



I am so sorry, sorry I belittle you, sorry I get so angry, sorry I overreact, I'M just so incredibly sorry for everything. CAN you ever forgive me...?

Current mood: confused
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4:42PM

Blood curdled words falling from chapped and frail lips.
I miss the cold nights and the dried blood and dirt on my hips.
I envy my altered mind and animosity trips.
That tender gesture of hair pulling and the sound when my flesh rips.
Organs torn and fluids drained.
The body ceases to move accept for nerves that strain.
Sutured portions lacking utmost connection to my brain.
My body has taken on new forms and my mind is on a hole new plain.




I have encountered rock bottom, but i'm not sure it's worth it to get back up. It's just so quite down here, IT'S JUST SO fucking QUITE! Is this what peace feels like?


::sighs::

END.
Jen(N)y Chaos

Current mood: cold
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Tuesday, August 9, 2005

7:30PM - Isn't love grand!!! :::sighs:::

There comes a point where you just love someone. Not because they're good, or bad, or anything really. You just love them. It doesn't mean you'll be together forever. It doesn't mean you won't hurt eachother. It just means you love them. Sometimes in spite of who they are, and sometimes because of who they are. And you know that they love you, sometimes because of who you are, and sometimes in spite of it!

Current mood: exanimate
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5:18PM

My interview went awesome today! I have a second interview scheduled for Thursday with the GM. So apparently I will be working the 8am-5pm Stock position, then coming to work here for the Frat. of Police from 5:30pm to 9pm and then school from 9pm to 10pm! Long days await, but soon I will be financially where I want to be! I figure finish my schooling up and quit both jobs and go work for the city. $15.00 an hour to start in parks and recreation staffing, working from 7-5pm Monday through Friday. I would love it! Anyway first things first one step at a time.
.



"Someday things will flow like they never have, and someday I will have what I have never dreamed of. The sand drops through the hourglass taking an eternity to cease, but what feels an eternity is only actually hours!"

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Monday, August 8, 2005

4:43PM

I sat next to you this morning, touching your face, feeling your breathe. Completely consumed with your presence. I can never be close enough to you. I can never touch you enough! Sometimes clothes is to much, it keeps your skin so far from mine as if to not be able to feel your soft skin is like being neglected water or food. You give me purpose, you make me strive. Soon it will just be us and nothing else in the world will exist but you and me in our temporary costumes. If this is what LOVE is then I must be the luckiest girl in the world! Cause to have found you, I have found love.

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4:34PM

My brain hurts, but the house is clean.

I finished my Soul Taker anime series...Now I have no entertainment till I can get some time to go to Suncoast and buy the rest of Hellsing and Berserk.


Signed up for school.

Interview for Ron-Jon rescheduled for tomorrow at 11am.

I'm at work and need some Caffiene....





Comments anyone...holla at yer gurl damnit!

You annoy me. FPUC*

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Thursday, August 4, 2005

6:22PM

Okay so here's the wrap...thanks to everyone who offered there shoulder in my last post I appreciate it! So my dad was working in Port Saint Lucie when we moved in and he was going to come stay with Adam and I every other weekend and crash in the spare bedroom, but then he decided after the first month that he was going to fuck up his job and kinda weasled his way back in to live with us, that way he would only have to pay 1/3 of the rent and bills! So eventually he got more and more comfortable and soon the apartment ended up being his altogether even though I paid for half the move in, I found the apartment after weeks by myself looking, and I was the one to make all the arrangments! So eventually Adam and I just ended up in the master bedroom everynight after work instead of in the living room watching TV. Unable to cook food after work cause I work late and apparently cooking in the microwave is far to loud for dear old dad! So whatever we dealt with it! Inexpensive and we were out all the time anyway! But now Adam works from 7am to 3pm and I work 3pm to 9pm so our conflicting schedules made it difficult for our weekday partying. So we started sitting home more and having our traditional Adam and Jenn movie nights where we ended up hiding amongst our bedroom so dad could have the living room or so the surround sound on the living room DVD player wouldn't wake his ass up! Eventually it just got aggravating. So he starts going out during the week and getting piss fucking drunk wakes US up now and expects us not to be pissy about it! FUCK THAT! We work far to hard to have to play mommy and daddy to my own father! If you want respect you must first give respect! I have had it...He came home ridiculously drunk Sunday night and long story short he got violent threw me on the floor and tried to maul Adam for no reason...So I called the cops! They arrested him for domestic violence and didn't hesitate, my knee was bleeding for one, and two he tried to attack Adam while they were questioning him! Not a smart move! So now he's in Jail 15,000 dollar bond and for once no one wants to help him out! SO Adam and I are packing all our shit up cept for the essentials and we have the apartment to ourselves once again for the next 3 weeks till he gets out so we are going to take advantage of it! Then when he comes home everything of ours will be out and all we'll have to grab is our suitcases of clothes and were out of there! We're going to stay with Heather for a couple months till we have our finances situated and then we are going to get a cheap studio (we figured we don't need anything bigger) So as aggravated as we are and I certainly am I am going to make the best of the next three weeks! I paid the rent till the end of the month so it will be up to dear old dad to find a roomate and deal with the bills from there on!


On a lighter note, I have an interview at Ron Jon at Sawgrass Mall on Monday and I will be starting School Monday too...not going to be all that fun working 2 jobs and going to school but hey a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do! WISH ME LUCK KIDS!!


Cheers,
Jen(N)

Current mood: aggravated
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Monday, August 1, 2005

5:17PM

So my dad hit me and now he's in jail....
where moving out!


I am so fucking aggravated!!!!



END.

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Monday, July 25, 2005

4:28PM - It's only a green piece of paper wtf is all the fuss about!

Absolutely stressed out, have to either pick up a second job or find one full-time that will pay enough! It's going to be overwhelming working 2 jobs and going to school, but gotta do what ya gotta do, RIGHT?!?! Eh, I can't seem to win...i'm not nessacarily struggling financially, but I am definately not at that financial level yet where I have enough of a cushion in case anything takes a turn for the worse, which it seems to keep doing! I have more than enough in my account right now to hold me over for another month plus, but what after that if things don't pick back up? I need to be secure in my finances so that my work and domestic life can flow steadily! I don't want to be where my parents are at. I want to know that I can provide for me and my family. Although my only downfall has been my taking care of everyone around me lately and I am losing my stability because of it, and now that I have realized it I can no longer care for everyone else! I have been far from selfish the past year and NOW I have had enough with paying everyone else's bills! Now is my time to be selfish, save money, go to school, get a better job/career, worry about me, worry about the roof over my head, worry about the food in my mouth! Now is my turn to prevail! I have been far to generous to everyone else but myself. I got a vacation in June and I didn't get to take advantage of it and I should have! I figured with that I would come back to work and be refreshed, but i'm not! I need to get to that point in my life where I am content with the direction I am heading! I have goals and the ambition to accomplish them, but where my heads at and my finances I coudn't possibly take on some of those goals with everything else going on in my life!

Now this is how I see it, MONEY = security, stability, happiness, comfortability, and success. Now if I had the money would I really be happier....YES! See people say that money can't buy happiness, but truly it can! Without it you have no home, no food, no clothes, ect. ect. ect. You absolutely need money to surive and survival is key to existance! When you see a homeless man/woman on the streets do they look happy?!?!? I don't think so. Do they look comfortable? NOPE Are they stable or secure? Absolutely not. So why say that money can't buy happiness! Now i'm not talking about being rich! I'm talking about being financially stable. Being able to pay rent and other accomodating bills and still have money to treat you and yours when you want to! Not alot but enough so that when you decide you want to see a flick, or have a nice dinner, or buy some new clothes and accesories (not nessacarily being materialistic either)like for work or to dress up, or most importantly enough to pay a random doctors bill if you happen to get sick! Enough to be comfortable that if that money is spent you aren't struggling to make it up by working crazy extra hours! Anyway just to make my point clear, we all need money no matter what direction our life turns we all end up needing the same general things, food, shelter, and clothes, and in order to have this you must work to make those ends, to make the green! but what happens when working can't get you that amount that you need? Then you have to try harder to find an alternative to make up what you don't have! ONE DOOR CLOSES AND ANOTHER DOOR OPENS! I guess it all takes some good old fashioned positive thinking and you can OVERCOME ANYTHING!


End.

Current mood: contemplative
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Thursday, July 21, 2005

5:13PM

http://community.webshots.com/album/398714892yjSxrT


PICS FROM THE BATTLE OF THE BANDS!

There are a few of me in there moshing and being dumb, check it out!

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